So I am a 36 year old ginger, I post stuff when i do its stuff i like. I have a daughter and a beautiful girlfriend. I like art, I make art, mostly sculpture. Ask A Ginger
That is what my insides are doing. Things are a roller coaster lately. Up down spin around. Kari is with her mom today. Don’t know what to do or how to feel. I want to feel good today. I want to feel important. I hope I can find that in something else today. Because I sure don’t feel it right now. I miss feeling good. I miss looking forward to life. I know that shit can hit the fan and make a mess of things and I accept that. I just don’t want to accept feeling less than anymore. I want to feel like I am special to someone. I want that someone to be Kari. She had homework from the therapist. She worked on it on Tuesday I think. I told her how this limbo I’m in is hurting me. I hope we get to talk about things soon.
So shit has been very rough for me lately. I’m very sad. I have, I think found the root of the issues Karolynn and I have. I have always been second to Kari’s mom. Her mom has been very negative towards me and our family for years. To the point of us almost breaking up numerous times. She has told me I am a piece of shit and didn’t deserve my family. She has refused to leave my house and caused a horrible scene. She has hurt me over and over again. Kari has never truly supported me through any of these situations. Always taking the side of her mother and never standing up and saying anything to her mothers mistreating me. I’m tired of being with someone who can allow me to be treated this way and allow this turmoil into or already fragile family unit. I’m tired of there being no consequences for her mothers actions. I’m tired of watching as someone I love is being manipulated again and again. But it hurts to know that Kari is ok with me not being in the picture if I don’t conform to her mothers bullying and destructive unhealthy ways. She is fine if this ends our relationship. So I ask anyone who is listening what do I do? Is my relationship already over? How do I get passed the pain of not being around my daughter everyday? Am I being selfish? This is pain and depression like nothing before. It’s crippling. It’s heartbreaking. And I have no partner to lean on or have help. We have done hours of therapy with every therapist we have been to agreeing that this relationship with her mom is unhealthy. It boiled down the other night to her mom having to try and make things right with me and ultimately the outcome of that being the fate of our relationship. I tried to explain that I felt that the outcome of this interaction between her mom and myself shouldn’t be what our relationship teeters on. And that I wanted to be with someone who doesn’t feel it’s ok for anyone else to treat me like shit. And if things don’t go well between her mom and I that I need someone who will stand by me and what’s the best for our family and our daughter. But she says he is unable to do that and by saying that is telling me that whatever her mom does short of killing me or the baby she will always be on her moms side. That me and my feelings will always be second to her. I can’t keep doing this to myself. All I want is to feel like someone loves me like I love them. And I have stood up to the people that have been negative to Karolynn. I have always supported her and loved her the best that I could. I’m really sad.