Drove down and saw my mom and aunt Sharon. And my grandma. I call her Bammer. She doesn’t live close so I wanted to see her again while she was in CA. Olivia did really well for two drives down to palm desert in three days. She is the best little traveler. My mom is doing good but she is easily agitated which has made me realize how amazingly patient she has always been. My dad was out most of the time we where there. He had drs appt and dentist appt in Orange County. I miss having them so close. And for my mom to be hit with cancer so soon after moving down makes me sad it’s so much harder to see them often. I work tomorrow so I’m looking forward to that. Solitude with the animals. Peaceful
If it wasn’t for ________ I’d be dead by now.
Fill in the blank. For me it’s weed. Ganja. The sweetleaf.
See even that last post I fucked up.
Probably for the best.
I wrote out a small book telling all of you about how shitty my life is at the moment. I did it on the tumblr app for my phone. Exited to check something and when I came back it was gone. Probably for the best.
So in bullet points here is what I said
•mom has leukemia
•Kari’s step grandma died
•Kari’s childhood friend died
•my birthday was last week
•my uncle is going into and Alzheimer’s care facility
•my dad belittled me in front of my grandma
•my depression is so bad I hate waking up in the morning
•I’m feeling more alone than ever in my life
•my patience is gone
•Kari’s mom is in town and that is the worst thing that could be happening right now
•my feelings and my family are both being gambled with by even associating with Kari’s mom right now
•when I tried to talk to Kari about it she recognized the risk and said that she was willing to take that risk knowing that what she is playing with is our families wellbeing
•I now get to sit quietly while the fate of my family is thrown to the lions and hope that there is a different outcome
Funny how bullet points are like sugar and just seem to make it easier to swallow. Again this blog would be so different if I just posted everything I wrote out instead of feeling self conscious about it and figuring no one cares.
Sometimes I feel like driving into a gawd damn bridge embankment but then I don’t. I mean the bridge is probably happy the way it is. and who am I to fuck that up.